TITLE: Little Deaths
AUTHOR: Denise Morgen
EMAIL: meadora@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: V, A
RATING: R for language
SPOILERS: One Son, Two Fathers, teeeny one for FTF
SUMMARY: Finally, Mulder and Scully deal with some issues.
ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just drop me a line so I can visit.
FEEDBACK: The quick and easy way to have a shrine erected in your 
honor.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of Mulder, Scully and Diana are not mine.
They are the property of Fox, 1013 productions and Chris Carter. No 
profit is being made and no infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I needed a break from T.N.G. and this sprang from my
writer's block. After re-watching Arcadia, it just seemed obvious 
that Scully needed to air some issues. Occurs right before The Unnatural.

Visit my fanfiction; it gets lonely!
http://DennysX.cjb.net

Little Deaths
By Denise Morgen

"It not enough, is it?"

"No...no, it's not. I'm sorry; I wish I could say it was."

"But there was a time, wasn't there? A time when it would have been-"

"Don't torture yourself with the 'what ifs' and 'could've beens.' 
None of that matters now."

"When did we go wrong? Was it Diana?"

"Diana has nothing to do with this."

"Doesn't she?"

"Maybe she plays a part, but only a small one. Just another piece of
the puzzle."

"Puzzles can be put back together..."

"I refuse to sit here and banter philosophically with you. How did 
you expect me to react?"

"Honestly, I don't know...more positively I guess."

"Positively?!"

"Yes, positively. Why is that such a shock?"

"After everything that's happened in the past few months, I don't
believe you have the right to expect ANY kind of positive 
reactions from me."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I have a meeting to attend-"

"No, damn it! You're not going anywhere until you explain to me what
you meant by that!"

"I don't owe you any explanations; I would think the statement itself 
was fairly self-explanatory."

"We're in the middle of something here! You can't just walk out on
an argument!"

"We're not arguing. I have nothing more to say to you."

"Look, you're mad at me; I UNDERSTAND that. I'm not totally obtuse-"

"That could be considered a matter of opinion."

"And what's your opinion? I don't know what's going on with you any
more. Jesus, Scully TALK to me here!"

"Mulder...I've already said everything I intend to say."
 
"Scully...Scully, I just don't what else I'm supposed to do. Throw me a
line, cause I'm sinkin' here. I've apologized for that night at the 
Gunmen's, what more do you want?"

"Do you think that's all it takes? One little apology and I'm just 
supposed to forgive you!? Play our usual little games and just 
pretend it never happened, right? Well fuck you, Mulder, because I'm
tired of playing. I'm tired of taking everything that's happened to
us and sweeping it under the rug because it's too inconvenient to 
deal with. You question my motivations, disregard my evidence, 
and publicly belittle my convictions and I'm supposed to just let it
go. Apparently my concerns are too trivial to bother with, we'll just
ignore for the moment that I was right. But everything's okay, right
Mulder? Sure. Fine. Whatever."

"I'm not denying I fucked up, I don't think I could've handled the
situation worse if I tried. But Scully, you can't blame me for acting
defensive; that wasn't a very even  playing field you had me on..."

"Even, Mulder? What does even have to do with any thing? We weren't
playing soccer-"

"Look at it from my point of view: you ganged up with the Gunmen and
jumped me as soon as I walked through the door. I felt like you were 
all out to get me - that's not a feeling I'm used to having around 
you guys."

"How else was I supposed to make you understand? You blew me off when 
I tried to talk to you on my own, I thought if the boys were there 
you'd at least PRETEND to listen! I guess I was wrong..."

"Scully, I couldn't just abandoned Diana on such flimsy evidence. 
When have you known me to write off someone who was important to me
that easily? Hell, it's been more than twenty years and I'm still 
looking for my little sister! And yes, I was a total asshole. But 
despite how I acted I did listen to what you said. Would I have gone 
to her apartment to check her out if I hadn't?"

"Yes Mulder, I think you would. If for no other reason than to say 
'I told you so,' I think you would." 

"Nothing to say Mulder?"

"What can I say to that? Just for the record Scully, when was it 
exactly that you developed such a bad opinion of my character? I was 
under the mistaken impression that at one time you at least 
considered me your friend."

"Mulder, friends...friends don't treat each other the way you 
treated me. And then for you to claim that you feel something more
than platonic for me in the aftermath; well, you'll have to forgive 
me if I find it a little ludicrous.

"Ludicrous, Scully? Pulling out all the twelve dollar words for this 
one, aren't we?"

"Don't get all defensive on me; you wanted to know what's going on
with me, so I'm telling you. Sarcasm isn't going to help smooth 
things over."

"So you're willing to try smoothing things over? Work things out 
instead practicing selective amnesia? Because I wasn't alone on my
trips to the land of denial, you know."

"I'm not denying my part in this, Mulder. But it's got to be both of 
us on the same page; we've had enough communication breakdowns to 
last a lifetime and a half. We've both got to put out the effort or 
there's no use in bothering. I'm still not very happy with you and 
there are going to be times when I'm not going to be real fun to deal
with, but I'm not giving up on you just because you pissed me off."

"Thank god, I thought I'd pushed you too far this time..."

"It was a close call, Mulder. Too close. I'd given serious thought to
just throwing in the towel."

"Why didn't you? Not that I'm complaining, but I didn't give you much
reason to hang around."

"We've been through a lot together...my time in the X-Files is a very 
important part of my life. I want to make a difference and I have a 
hard time picturing an occupation that would have a greater impact on 
humanity in the long run than the work we do on the X-Files. And 
besides, I told you before: if I quit now they win."

"So, you stayed for the X-Files? I had nothing at all to do with your
decision?"

"Mulder, you know you mean a lot to me...but with all that's happened
and all the anger I feel toward you, that's all I can give you right 
now."

"Okay, I can deal with that. For now. You better go to your meeting."

"You don't give up, do you Mulder?"

"No, not usually."

She shakes her head ruefully at his audacity as she walks out the 
door. The soft echo of her footfall is the only accompaniment to his
thoughts as he replays their conversation to himself in eidetic 
detail. Her footsteps fade away and silence fills the tiny office.
Finally the stillness is broken by a quiet whisper:

"And never when it's someone I love."

Fini.

"Fear is the little death that brings total annihilation." - The 
Litany Against Fear, Dune, Frank Herbert